You made me cry and you don't even care
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
