I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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