i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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