she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize