He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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