things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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