After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have tasted many bathrooms
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
