Are we in a gay sports bar?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
