The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
