i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
