Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
