why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Randomize