Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize