Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
