mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
