Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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