well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
