your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
