Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
