did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
