one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
