girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
