That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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