It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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