Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Success! We fucked roommates!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize