Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
