Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize