I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
