He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize