I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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