Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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