But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
