My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
