just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize