Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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