Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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