My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
