I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
