you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Swine flu is the new snow day.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
