i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
