just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize