Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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