Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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