I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I love you. Go after that dick
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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