sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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