last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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