On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
