You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
