My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
They took my balls.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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