from now on my penis is your penis
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
