batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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