im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
