There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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