so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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