this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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