i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
