Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
