it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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