dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and she was petting her beer can
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
