between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize