Pants 0. Shit 1.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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